Veganism is the modern totalitarian regime.

Just in case you thought you were, you know, free and everything (did you know that most of the freedom you have exists entirely in that 8 pound super-computer sitting atop your shoulders?) Here's something crazy: you're not; vegans rule over all.

And what's more is that vegans have such a firm grip over the masses that the entire population doesn't even know they're being dictated. This prevents revolt because no one is aware of the fact that we need to be liberated.

How do vegans maintain such a stronghold over the nations, you ask? A little something I (and Bryan Lee O'Malley) like to call vegan power.

How does it work? I challenge you to go for a day without any animal products in your diet. Do you start glowing at night? Are you able to defeat Chuck Norris in a sparring match without breaking a sweat? Do force-fields randomly form around you? Do you suddenly become an elitist (symptoms include scoffing at non-vegans and treating them with pompous indifference)? If yes than you, my friend, are experiencing vegan power. Congratulations! You now control all, supreme being!

However, there is one minor catch: the vegan police. That's right. Three spoonfuls of yogurt and you're finished. And rest assured that they're always watching.....

Yes, indeed, vegans have their own legal enforcement. However, you shouldn't let this fool you because, even with those bothersome restrictions (hey, vegans don't like anarchy either), they're still the all-powerful ones.

So, for all you pitiful non-vegans out there, the next time you happen to meet an actual vegan, make sure to stand in awe; ask them about their raw food diet; perform a random chant or blessing; kneel down and kiss their feet....

 Because, hey, they're just better than us.

-M

Disclaimer: I do not personally discriminate against veganism, or any other restrictive diet. I whole-heartedly support those who freely choose (or are mandated by religion) to eat leaves, berries, nuts and dairy-free Mexican hot chocolate snicker doodles- http://theppk.com/blog/2009/09/16/mexican-hot-chocolate-snickerdoodles/ . However, I do reserve the right to sit across from said persons while eating a quarter pound cheeseburger and possibly stealing a snicker doodle.

Why I feel bad for people who host children's network TV:

Have you ever seen that woman in her mid-thirties that appears between commercials on PBS? How terrible must her every day work experience be?

e.g:
"Where's the pink object? Can you spot something pink?"

Chorus of pre-recorded children shouting: 'There, there! The couch!'

"The rug?"

'No, no, the couch!'

"OH, the couch! Yes, the couch IS pink! Very good!"


How fulfilling can it be to do this all day long? Sitting in front of a green screen talking to invisible puppets and smiling like you've been pumped with Prozac?


It always makes me wonder what career these people wanted to have when they were younger. It must be so depressing to know your greatest accomplishment in life is helping kids find a pink couch.


It's the same way I feel about local news anchors and children's christian music composers (if you've ever been to Vacation Bible School, you'll know exactly what I mean). These people do not get payed enough considering the amount of dignity they sacrifice each day.


And because this is not only sad, but also really entertaining I've included what has to be the greatest masterpiece since the Ferbie:





Enjoy.


"Where's the couch?"
'There! There! It's right behind you!'
-M

P.S. Notice the guy in the photo? Look real close....IT'S STEVE! From Blues Clues? With his notepad and big red chair and mail time song? *Sigh* Those were the good days. Now he's a musician. That's right! You can by Blues Clues Steve's album on i-tunes, just look up Steven Burns (and hope he's included a track of the mail time song).