Marcel the Shell

I take back what I said about Fruit Salad by the Wiggles. Though it is a creative masterpiece, I doubt it comes anywhere near Marcel the Shell. Words cannot explain the genius that went into this. So, because I can offer no better explanation, here it is:



Oh and, by the way, the voice is completely unedited. A wonderful woman out there named Jenny Slate actually sounds like this. Raw talent, baby.

You know what I do for adventure?
I hand glide on a Dorito...
-M

Soap ROCKS.

You know what? I love soap. Really, sometimes I spend hours online looking at soap.

I go to a different bath store every time I visit a mall to smell the soap that they have. Sometimes I go to the same stores and re-smell the soaps.

When asked what I'd like for Christmas I tell people that I want soap. LOTS of soap.

 I am thinking about purchasing a soap-of-the-month-club subscription.

I have a collection of soaps. Soaps that look like rocks, fuchsia soap, soap with flower petals sealed inside, soap with lavender seeds that poke through, soap with oatmeal sprinkled around the edges, sunflower soap, french-clay soap, rosewood soap, ceder soap, rainbow soap....

I'm obsessed. It's bad, I know, but I just can't help myself. Soap is awesome.

And so, to spread the glory of soap, I give you my favorite soap sites:

http://www.soaptopia.com/
http://www.creamerycreek.com/

Go. Look at the soap. Think about the soapy-smells. Laugh at the clever soap names. Compare yourself to the soap: Am I a lavender? Or a sage-bergamont twist? Appreciate each soap's beauty. REVEL in your soap moment. And then do it all over again.

Because I'm not crazy. Soap is great.
-M

Veganism is the modern totalitarian regime.

Just in case you thought you were, you know, free and everything (did you know that most of the freedom you have exists entirely in that 8 pound super-computer sitting atop your shoulders?) Here's something crazy: you're not; vegans rule over all.

And what's more is that vegans have such a firm grip over the masses that the entire population doesn't even know they're being dictated. This prevents revolt because no one is aware of the fact that we need to be liberated.

How do vegans maintain such a stronghold over the nations, you ask? A little something I (and Bryan Lee O'Malley) like to call vegan power.

How does it work? I challenge you to go for a day without any animal products in your diet. Do you start glowing at night? Are you able to defeat Chuck Norris in a sparring match without breaking a sweat? Do force-fields randomly form around you? Do you suddenly become an elitist (symptoms include scoffing at non-vegans and treating them with pompous indifference)? If yes than you, my friend, are experiencing vegan power. Congratulations! You now control all, supreme being!

However, there is one minor catch: the vegan police. That's right. Three spoonfuls of yogurt and you're finished. And rest assured that they're always watching.....

Yes, indeed, vegans have their own legal enforcement. However, you shouldn't let this fool you because, even with those bothersome restrictions (hey, vegans don't like anarchy either), they're still the all-powerful ones.

So, for all you pitiful non-vegans out there, the next time you happen to meet an actual vegan, make sure to stand in awe; ask them about their raw food diet; perform a random chant or blessing; kneel down and kiss their feet....

 Because, hey, they're just better than us.

-M

Disclaimer: I do not personally discriminate against veganism, or any other restrictive diet. I whole-heartedly support those who freely choose (or are mandated by religion) to eat leaves, berries, nuts and dairy-free Mexican hot chocolate snicker doodles- http://theppk.com/blog/2009/09/16/mexican-hot-chocolate-snickerdoodles/ . However, I do reserve the right to sit across from said persons while eating a quarter pound cheeseburger and possibly stealing a snicker doodle.

Why I feel bad for people who host children's network TV:

Have you ever seen that woman in her mid-thirties that appears between commercials on PBS? How terrible must her every day work experience be?

e.g:
"Where's the pink object? Can you spot something pink?"

Chorus of pre-recorded children shouting: 'There, there! The couch!'

"The rug?"

'No, no, the couch!'

"OH, the couch! Yes, the couch IS pink! Very good!"


How fulfilling can it be to do this all day long? Sitting in front of a green screen talking to invisible puppets and smiling like you've been pumped with Prozac?


It always makes me wonder what career these people wanted to have when they were younger. It must be so depressing to know your greatest accomplishment in life is helping kids find a pink couch.


It's the same way I feel about local news anchors and children's christian music composers (if you've ever been to Vacation Bible School, you'll know exactly what I mean). These people do not get payed enough considering the amount of dignity they sacrifice each day.


And because this is not only sad, but also really entertaining I've included what has to be the greatest masterpiece since the Ferbie:





Enjoy.


"Where's the couch?"
'There! There! It's right behind you!'
-M

P.S. Notice the guy in the photo? Look real close....IT'S STEVE! From Blues Clues? With his notepad and big red chair and mail time song? *Sigh* Those were the good days. Now he's a musician. That's right! You can by Blues Clues Steve's album on i-tunes, just look up Steven Burns (and hope he's included a track of the mail time song).

I like beaded platform sandals and celtic music.

I realized the other day that I have some very strange obsessions. Decades, for instance. I like the forties and the fifties with the tailored dress suits, netted hats and black and white social "propriety" videos they used to brainwash the masses. And the nineties, the nineties were great: thigh-high socks with wedge sandals and belly shirts (think Clueless), the health movement, Bill Clinton? All great. Alright, maybe not Bill Clinton.

But my secret decade obsession? The early 2000's. I love the long hippie skirts, the halter midriff tops, the platform beaded sandals, tie-dye pants and hair jewelry. I embrace that sort of tackiness into my life. I desperately want to save up my money to buy a hair crimper. And that orange glitter lipstick? I have 2 tubes. I put it on with my purple feather boa and rock out to Vitamin C.

So in celebration of unconventional obsessions, I decided to list the top fifteen loony loves-of-my-life.

WHY I'M A FREAK:

1. Magnetic notepads with inspirational quotes that you stick on your refrigerator. "A loving heart is the truest wisdom."
2. Scented candles and soap. A couple of hours in the Yankee Candle store is always a good day.
3. Floral things. And sunflowers. I'll buy anything that has sunflowers on it.
4. Folk, Celtic and Mo-town music. Also, foreign pop; it's the same rubbish, just in different languages.
5. Battlestar Galactica and Dr. Who. Science Fiction in general.
6. Things wrapped in newspaper, wax paper, or brown paper. And twine.
7. The Platypus. An animal with webbed feet, fur, a beavers tail and a beak. Enough said.
8. Grocery stores. If I'm ever lost, I'm going to the nearest grocery store I can find. They make me feel safe and happy.
9. Sponge paint.
10. Solitaire. See post below.
11. Office supplies. Especially pencil sharpeners.
12. Mystery novels. Even the bad ones.
13. Small, decorative boxes. I have 4 soap stone boxes that serve absolutely no purpose.
14. Landscape paintings. Yep, I'm talking Thomas Kinkade. I've completed way too many puzzles with my grandmother.
15. Grammatical errors and typos in books or on the T.V. guide. It's like your birthday every time they happen.

Ahhhh. You see, I feel great now. A little self-indulgent blogging always does a person good!

But don't let this stop with office supplies and sponge paint! Let me know what your strangest obsessions are! Yes, that means you, empty electronic void that I send my thoughts to! YOU.

I fear I've taken this too far.


"Love never fails; Character never quits; and with patience and persistence; Dreams do come true."
More wisdom from my freezer.
 -M

The best music videos are told from the perspective of a milk carton.

It's true. Just watch Blur's "Coffee and T.V." and you'll understand. Some of you might remember the 90's band Blur (hugely famous in the U.K. for popularizing the genre of "Brit-pop" and the "Brit-pop wars" it started with rival band Oasis), but for those of you who don't I'll key you in: they're awesome.

Though they were never very popular in the U.S., they were beloved in the U.K. in the early-mid nineties. They did quite well for many years, but in 2002 the band suffered when guitarist Graham Coxon left and they eventually fell off the charts. Damon Albarn held on for a while, but he eventually dropped the band to pursue other endeavors, one of them being the formation of band the "Gorillaz" (sound familiar?)

The band did make strides recently by touring around the U.S., which was quite successful, too. I wouldn't hold my breath for them to reunite any time soon, but at least we have their earlier albums to get us through the pain, right?

The video is just absolutely adorable. How could you not love a milk carton with eyes that big! He's just too cute (and healthy!)

Anyway, here's the video for you to enjoy! And while you're at it, check the rest Blur's singles out!

Just give me coffee and T.V., pleeaaseee...

-M.

I dream in solitaire.

We all have those terrible time-wasters. I, in fact, have many. Blogging being one of them. And now I am using said time-waster to discuss with you another unique time-waster. There's a beautiful symmetry to all of this.


For the past 3 years I have had a closet obsession: online solitaire. It started with the generic prototype solitaire that your computer comes with (just go to your task bar, click start and go to games and you'll discover the wonderment) and slowly branched to more complex types (spider solitaire, casino solitaire, multi-decked, pyramid, Klondike). I am not sure what it is that drives me. There's some strange gear in my mind that connects to my 'happy node' that can only be stimulated by such things. I bet that if you ran a CT scan while I was playing solitaire, you'd see an abnormal amount of dopamine being secreted by my hypothalamus. Why? Something about the order and structure of solitaire pleases the logic-oriented half of my brain. I get a rush for placing things into a systematic order. Red here, then black followed by a 3 of hearts to the top, touch pile, sift, locate needed card, place accordingly....I just love it.


The downside to all of this (besides the amount of valuable time it wastes)? I have begun to dream in solitaire. I'll close my eyes and see that green screen and I'll fall asleep trying to arrange all of the cards. I dream that I am the cards. I dream that I'm a tiny pixel in the computer, having to lift each giant card and move them until I win. Cards shuffle constantly through my brain, like a computer scrolling through thousands of pages of binary code.


Now, seeing as this isn't an entirely normal situation, I decided to do what I love best: research online. I found a great site called Dream Moods that gives insights into all sorts of things having to do with dreams: the importance of dreams, what dreams are, dreams according to age and sex, popular dreams, reoccurring images or sequences of actions in dreams...lots of things. One of the things that struck me was what the site used when offering explanations of what dreams are:


"In our dreams, we can go anywhere, we can be anybody, and we can do anything. When we dream, we are like passengers on a moving train, unable to control our actions and choose surroundings. We let our mind take over. Sometimes, dreams can be understood in the the context of repressed thoughts. Dreaming serves as an outlet for those thoughts and impulses we repress during the day. When we go to sleep at night and slip into our dream state, we feel liberated and behave and act in a manner that we do not allow ourselves in our waking life. "
- Dream Info: Dream Moods Website (Copyright 2000-2009, Dream Moods Inc.)

So my dream liberation is solitaire? This had me extremely concerned for my overall sanity until, however, I read this:


Cards
To dream that you are playing a game of cards, represents your ability to strategize in various areas of your life. In particular, diamonds indicate wealth and materialism, clubs indicate work and industry, hearts indicate happiness in love, and spades indicate troubling times and disappointments. To dream that you are shuffling cards, signifies indecision. You need to reevaluate your choices.
-Dream Bank: Dream Moods Website (Copyright 2000-2009, Dream Moods Inc.)


So perhaps the solitaire dreams are symbolic? Am I indecisive? Should I reevaluate my choices? Am I able to strategize well? Or am I just severely unhinged?


Who knows. I may not have found the answer to my solitaire visions, but I did find lots of interesting information on dreams. I encourage you to check the site out. If you have dreams of falling, chasing or lots of symbols that appear in your dreams, it's a great place to understand the psychology behind everything.


And if you want a taste of the Solitaire insanity, here's some of my favorite online solitaire websites below.


http://worldofsolitaire.com/
http://www.freeplaysolitaire.com/
http://www.solitairecraving.com/
http://www.solitairenetwork.com/


Oh and those Bill Nye playing cards? How many of us had those when we were a kid? I still have mine.


I play solitaire with them while learning about magnetics and other properties of physical science.
-M