Tuesday, April 26, 2011

"The clock talked loud. I threw it away, it scared me what it talked." - Tillie Olsen

Isn't time a funny thing? The way it is forever changing, but always the same. Just as we are- always evolving and yet stuck in all that we are, what we were, what we could be. It is a wonderful paradox, time- it can be sincerely beautiful, the time that enables the growth of a beloved child into a man or the tender sapling's path to an old oak; the way it always moves on, even when it feels as if it should stop, that this is it, it moves on, and you live for one more moment. And time can be tragic, like the time that causes the atrophy of the body and mind, the time you never have enough of to say the things you should, or to do the things you feel that if- oh, if- you had been given more, surely you were meant to; the way it always moves on, even in moments when it feels that it should stop, it must, hasn't the whole world stopped? No. Time is there, moving and changing and staying the same.

There are people who are desperate to preserve this time, time that is all around them, and always has been. There are people who want nothing more than to forget time, but time is who we are, and all we will ever be. There are those who want to move time forewards, twist it backwards, even stop time itself for one still moment; yet time remains resilient and steadfast. We can count the time that has slipped away, the time that stands between us and our future, the time we have left in a moment- but the surest thing we can count on is that time will always be there. Forever moving, forever changing, forever still, forever the same.

If only we had enough, if only there wasn't so much of it standing between us.
-M

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Microbes Rule the Universe

You know what? I love microorganisms. Almost as much as I love soap. No- scratch that- I love them more than soap. *Unknown and essentially nonexistent web audience gasps* YES, my virtual imaginary friends! It is true!

....would you like to know why? Of course! Well, I'll tell you!

Microorganisms rule the world.
Really, they do. Think about all the microorganisms that surround you right now. Touch your table-top- they are there. Yes! There! You can't see them, of course, but they have you cornered. Take a deep breath. AHA! They've infiltrated your body! In fact, they were already there. YES! Even there! A microscopic zoo inhabits our stomachs, our eyes and ears, our lungs, our armpits, OUR MOUTHS! Especially our mouths. And especially American mouths. Canadians might not have to worry so much.

By sheer numbers alone, microscopic organisms have the universe in their grip, and they'd be hard pressed to turn it over to any other life-form. We don't have to worry, though, because these microbes are benign dictators (hurrah!) Did you know that 99% of microbes are beneficial for the environment and the Homo Sapien? And Homo Sacers, come to think of it- though the unfortunate Homo Sapiens they may be if there are any Roman microbes around crack the whip. Yes- 99%! Surprising isn't it? You've got just about every bacteria, fungus, algae, archaean, protozoan and virus out there contributing to the quality of your human life! They help us digest, treat sewage, they even make us spam! Glorious SPAM!

Yet they always get the bad rap. Yes, yes- it is true that microbes are also to blame for Cholera, HIV, Measles, Mumps and Athlete's foot, but when you weigh the negative impacts of those 1% against the positive impacts of those 99%, you begin to understand how lovely and important these little creatures are to our livelihood. This is just part of the reason why I love the little guys.

The larger, more consuming passion for those minuscule millions stems from the symmetry microbes create within the universe. I love knowing that as I swipe my hand through the air, billions of organisms are finding a new home on my limb or angrily shouting "Home-wrecker!" as I displace them from their habitat. I love how they are all around us, in everything we see. I love knowing that, even when I am my most alone and removed from the world, I've got a microscopic city at the tip of my finger, full of other living, energy-filled organisms.

And, really, who wouldn't want a billion microscopic friends? They're the kings of the universe!

I've got friends in high places, buddy.
-M

P.S. In hopes of spreading the microbe love, here's some micro-graphs of my favorite little friends. They come in pretty colors.









Wednesday, April 6, 2011

"B"

I think we all know, deep down, that our mothers are just really awesome superhero philosophers. That's how they knit those wise maxims on throw pillows so well. Logic, I tell you. It's just logic.

For those who need a little extra reinforcement of the true identity of mothers, I'll let the talented Sarah Kay fill you in.



See the logic now?
You should really meet my mother.
-M

Saturday, April 2, 2011

What Was Woven From My Breast Could Never Capture You


What was woven from my breast could never capture you

Oh, but I was drunken in your sight- a fool stumbling, falling to my knees

Prejudice, prejudice, sweet-what once fed me will feed again

Oh, but prejudice, prejudice, sweet-never gave enough to me

Its syrupy tenderness disguised itself to me

It's enough

It's enough

I am my mother in the ground

I am my mother in the womb

It's enough

It's enough

I am what was in the dust

I am what was on a shield

I am what was buried deep beneath you

I am what a sky always held

And what these stars could never tell

I am a fool, drunken in your sight- stumbling, falling to my knees

What was woven from my breast could never capture you


Yeah, I do title cop-outs like the Greeks. Neoclassicism, baby.
-M

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Cozy Rain

The best kind of rain, of course, is a cozy rain. This is the kind the anonymous medieval poet makes me remember, the rain that falls on a day when you'd just as soon stay in bed a little longer, write letters or read a good book by the fire, take early tea with hot scones and jam and look out the streaked window with complacency.
~Susan Allen Toth, England For All Seasons


Here's hoping you get some cozy rain soon.
Naps all around!
-M

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Hey, bologna rocks.

Here's to all of the students who get by on the sheer force of creativity and imagination. 'Cause, hey, if you can't draw a straight line to it, it's best to distract them with circles. Cheers!















How I pass Theory of Knowledge
I watched them paint their bodies
And thrash with pagan, rhythmic dancing
They gave me a mother
Who carried me in her womb
And there she whispered her secrets to me
I let a brother die,
I loved the man they stoned,
I killed the woman he wanted,
I abandoned her weeping child
I fell from the violent warmth that she carried me in
And they tagged me
Swathed in cotton and sterility
They herded me into a box
And sliced lines into my chest
I was measured and divided
They swore that they would find me
"I am here! I am here," I shouted
And then, "I am clean"
I wept for my mother
I curled into a box
I danced, painted and pagan
I drew lines
I fell to their floor shouting!
I fell to their floor spinning!
"I am here! I am here," I shouted
And then, "What am I? What am I?"
I fell to their floor

10 points for anyone who can relate this to knowing!
Oh, good old bologna, you serve me so well...
-M

Sunday, February 13, 2011

What Women Want

“I once hand made a girlfriend a 50 page leather bound book. It was an illustrated fairy tale about a princess and an eccentric magician. The magician had his heart broken so badly in the past that instead of keeping it in his chest where it could easily get hurt again, he kept it locked up in a rusty trunk under his bed, where it had withered into a shriveled apricot. A lot happens that can’t really be summed up in one paragraph, but at the end, his apricot heart swells to the size of a house and they end up living happily ever after inside of it. It took me about a month to make, it was all rhyming, hand painted… something I was pretty gosh darn proud of. I really poured a lot into it, and I think it’s filled with some of my best paintings yet. Sadly in real life the story didn’t end as happy as it did in the book. Let’s just say I’m living alone in that giant apricot heart at the moment.”
-Matthew Gray Gubler

Really, guys. All we girls need is a 50-page hand-painted leather-bound fairy tale to make us happy.

Happy Valentines Day!
-M

Thursday, January 13, 2011

What connects us can be beautiful.

Connectedness, of ideas, lives, neurons and brain hemispheres, has always amazed me. That everything I say, do or think has been said, done or thought before is beautiful to me. This network of man, repeated across generations, centuries, time itself, in the most intricate and delicate patterns, is a comfort to me. I am not alone. I am not the first to fear death, or wonder what universal hand guides me. I am not lost in a sea of faceless, senseless entities, rather, I am strung together in a web of humanity so vast and consuming that I can scarcely construe its depth. I am apart of something significant.

Take poetry, for instance. How many love poems have ever been written? How many bitter sonnets, or symbolic haiku, or provoking free-verses? They are innumerable. And they speak, essentially, of the same thoughts over and over again. Yet they never fail to captivate us. Does it matter that they are repetitions of an idea? Not really. What matters is that these poets, like Whitman, Yeats, Cummings, left themselves behind for us, to connect us with them across time, so they may live again in our hearts and we may live with them as they were. What matters is that I have felt just as Walt Whitman, William Butler Yeats and E.E. Cummings and they have felt just as I feel. And isn't that magical?

I am enchanted by this idea, and it is because of this that I am perplexed at the resentment of this connectedness. Ayn Rand, the great woman who spearheaded the individualist and objectivist movement, was no doubt an insightful novelist with provocative ideas. However, we pass her torch of individualism with such fervor and constitution that we begin to desperately separate ourselves to preserve the idea. Think of the myriad ways in which we separate ourselves: race, ethnicity, sex, religion, socioeconomic class, even time itself. And so, to prove ourselves as individuals, we end up splitting the network into even smaller, but still basically collectivist groups. We revere the individual, but hate the strange. This is the paradox that drives our society.

And why? The individual can be just as beautiful within the network, perhaps even more so. For the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, and each of us, as small as we are compared to our world, play a significant role in the network of society, time, humanity. We should not fear or resent what connects us, for with it, we are brought together. We are united. We are no longer alone. We become whole.

Then again, what do I know? =)
-M

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Nurturing Creativity

There comes a time for each of us to create. And with this creativity there is always the sense of fear, of inadequacy, of the lack of fulfillment. However, all of this can be cured by trusting your creativity to your magic-fairy-genius. Nifty, eh?

Still confused? Here's the wonderful talk given by Elizabeth Gilbert (you might have heard of her) that explains it all. So go! Unlock your house-elf genius!



OLE, geniuses!
-M

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Have you ever thought about the future?

I've always been a lover of science fiction, partly because of the insane gadgetry and the awesome action sequences, but mostly because of the futures this genre creates. I wonder if we really will have hover cars and jet packs, a host of alien creatures living along side with us, and hotels in different galaxies in our future.






Will our future be post-apocalyptic and survivalist like The Road, Mad Max, The Stand?



Or will it be techno-junkie galactic industrial like Blade Runner, The Fifth Element, Total Recall?

Or, perhaps, will our future be the same? Will we remain stagnant and unchanging?

And all of this wondering about our future made me wonder about the futures of past generations. Is this, now, what they had planned for their futures? Do we disappoint with our lack of hover cars and alien friends? Or were they able to come to grips with a pragmatic evolution of their society rather than an idealistic one?

Interestingly enough, here's an illustration of what past generations thought the 50's would look like:
Four levels of city? That sounds pretty awesome to me, but, as we all know, it never happened. It still hasn't happened. So what does this mean? Clearly, our foresight needs some work, right? The truth is that society evolves gradually, slowly towards the future. We may never have a hover car in my generation, or the one following, or the generation after that, or so on and so forth. But that shouldn't stop the science fiction future, or even invalidate it. Because maybe we will be eating McDonald's in outer space with our giant alien friends one day. Who knows? That's the great thing about the future. No one has the ability to predict what's going to happen, and that gives us the greatest creative freedom. Time gives us the luxury to construct glorious futures, exciting, other-worldly futures.

And these what-if futures might just be the best thing about our future.

Who knows, really?
-M


Friday, December 3, 2010

The New Trend in Fruit Protection

Have you ever packed a banana for lunch, only to open up your bag four hours later and find a bruised, squishy mess? I know I have. It's sad, because I really do love bananas.

Well no longer! They've now patented and mass produced the....BANANA GUARD!

Banana Guard

That's right. Your bananas are locked and loaded.

Oh, and if you happen to be looking for other guards for fruits of various sizes they've got those too. They even have a sandwich guard made of environmentally-friendly plastic!

You can pick up all of this and more at BananaGuard.com


Seriously, who comes up with this stuff?
I'd like to meet them.
-M

Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Culture of Fashion

I've never really been much for fashion. Not that I dislike it, or condescend towards those that do love it, I've just always been a "take what's comfy and clean" kind of girl. However, all of this changed when, for the first time in my life, I flipped through some runway show footage of a wonderfully talented designer by the name of Alberta Ferretti. I was immediately taken by the soft night-time hues of chiffon swimming past the models that seemed to float down the runway, weightless and beautiful. The way the designer used shape, color, texture and movement within the pieces made me appreciate fashion as an art form.
     
Designers put (often times) a great deal of thought and abstract meaning into a collection. Fashion is their greatest form of expression and it allows them to make a profound statement about culture masked under a beautiful, wearable work of art. We live in the dreams of these designers, who work for months on end to construct, perhaps, the most incredible lapse of ten minutes the earth has ever seen. They work to see their dreams, if even for the briefest of moments, captured and appreciated.

So, in celebration of these dreams, here's some of my favorite works of art, beginning with the one that started it all, Alberta Ferretti spring 2010.



 Proenza Schouler Fall 2010



Alexander McQueen Spring 2008

 

Oscar De La Renta Spring 2010


Monique Lhuillier Pre-Fall 2010 

Chloe Spring 2011

Emilio Pucci Spring 2011

Alberta Ferretti Spring 2011


 *Sigh* Pretty.
 Happy Holidays.
-M



Monday, November 22, 2010

The Unlived Life

“For some time passes slowly. An hour can seem an eternity. For others, there’s never enough"


One of my favorite books when I was younger was Tuck Everlasting, by Natalie Babbitt. I loved the woodland setting of Treegap: the oak trees and shady brooks and open-air grottoes and wildlife scurrying about the forest floor...and Winnie. I loved Winnie. I was young, and she was the picture of innocence, femininity, life and change. I wanted to be Winnie Foster, who ran barefoot through fields of lilies and wildflowers in a billowy white dress and ribboned straw hat. I was Winnie Foster when I read the book, falling in love with Jesse and struggling with the choice between a natural life and and eternal life.


What's more, though, is how the book affected my outlook on life. One of my favorite quotes in the entire book occurs when Old Tuck paddles down the river with Winnie and talks about the choice between death and immortality.


"Look around you, it’s life. The flowers, and trees, and frogs, it’s all part of the wheel. It’s always changing. It’s always growing. Like you, Winnie, your life is never the same. You were once a child, now you are about to become a woman. One day you’ll grow up. You’ll do something important. You’ll have children maybe, and then one day you’ll go out. Just like the flame of a candle. You’ll make way for new life as a certainty. It’s the natural way of things. And then, there’s us. What we Tucks have, you can’t call it living. We just are. We’re like rocks stuck at the side of the stream."
 "I don’t wanna die, is that wrong?"
He shook his head.
 "No human does, but it’s just part of the wheel, it’s part of being born, you can’t have living, without dying. Don’t be afraid of death, be afraid of the unlived life.”




We are blessed to die and make room for new life; to grow old, to change and grow and develop. We are blessed to die, because it means we lived. What short time we get on this earth is a gift, we can pass through this world and maybe, just maybe, leave something tangible, meaningful in the river as we go out.


To this day I read the book every couple of summers, beginning as school ends and making Winnie's journey through time, living as she lived, if only for a moment in the stream of life.

"Tuck said it to Winnie the summer she turned 15, ‘Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live. And she did."
-M
 
P.S. For a much more eloquently expressed interpretation of these thoughts, I encourage you to go pick up the book: Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

We're all a little quark-y.


Above: artistic representation of a photon spreading through a quark, transferring energy that the quark then uses to replicate itself.

If you've ever opened a chemistry book, or even watched one of those guilty-pleasure apocalyptic conspiracy programs on Discovery Channel, then you know that all living things are composed of atoms, and within these atoms exist a trio of subatomic particles: the negatively charged electrons that orbit in individual pathways around the nucleus that contains the much more dense proton (+) and neutron (~) particles.
"A neutron walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender, as the neutron reaches for his wallet, stops  the neutron and says: 'For you, no charge.'"

However, it does not stop there. Recently, in the past 50 years, scientists have been able to identify what are called quarks: infinitely small quanta which are bound by energy and, along with leptons and bosons, create every hadron (or subatomic particle composed of one or more of the three quantae) known to man. There exist, as far as research shows, six types of quarks: up, down, strange, charm, top and bottom. The most common are the up and down quarks, which are found bound together in protons. Quarks are classified according to color, charge, mass and spin, and are never found alone (and, thus, have never been studied outside the limits of the hadrons they compose).


But why is this important? Well, these quantas not only explain atomic matter, but also the energy levels of photons and wave-dualism, fundamental components of relativity that ultimately attempt to explain the vast, complex and unique universal womb we are carried in. Many gravitational and universal theories have been quantified from these discoveries, such as Everett's multi-verse theory (also known as parallel dimensionalism) and, most recently, the universal string theory. Mankind, after centuries of struggling with our identities, is finally on the brink of understanding who we are, and where we come from. And the fact that we can come so close to the meaning of  the true nature of our existence is, in a word, AMAZING.


Of course, there are many other elements to particle physics (heh) and quarks, but for the beginner, I highly recommend Hank Green's (musician, contemporary artisan, and environmental activist) didactic music video, very appropriately titled Strange Charm: A Song About Quarks, to understand the basics of these quark-y particles.

"What did the duck say to the particle physicist?"
"Quark!"
Alright, I admit it, that one was bad.
-M

Sunday, October 3, 2010

FAILURE IS FANTASTIC.

Now that is one good alliteration. Did you know that alliterations can significantly improve one's memory(studies showing it reduces reaction time 110 milliseconds from a sentence using no alliteration)? No? Well, here you go:

ALL ALLITERATIONS ARE APPLICABLE AND AWESOME

This post is not about alliterations, though. No, it's about failure, because failure is, in fact, fantastic. Failure humbles and inspires us, challenging to grow and evolve in order prepare ourselves for great success--I'm sure you are already aware of this. What you may not be aware of, though, are the thousands of incredibly talented and successful people who failed A LOT. Michael Jordan, for instance,---he was cut from his high school basketball team. Enrico Caruso's music teacher told him he had no voice and could not sing (his parents wanted him to become an engineer). And let's not even talk about how many times Abraham Lincoln failed before finally becoming the 16th president of the United States. Failure happens to everyone, what matters is whether or not we let it defeat us.

So, let's celebrate the persevering, because they're truly remarkable...and because their failures make us feel better about ourselves.

FAILURES:

Winston Churchill failed sixth grade. He was subsequently defeated in every election for public office until he became Prime Minister at the age of 62. He later wrote, "Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never, Never, Never, Never give up." (his capitals, mind you)


Sigmund Freud was booed from the podium when he first presented his ideas to the scientific community of Europe. He returned to his office and kept on writing.
 
Charles Darwin gave up a medical career and was told by his father, "You care for nothing but shooting, dogs and rat catching." In his autobiography, Darwin wrote, "I was considered by all my masters and my father, a very ordinary boy, rather below the common standard of intellect." Clearly, he evolved.
 
Thomas Edison's teachers said he was "too stupid to learn anything." He was fired from his first two jobs for being "non-productive." As an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When a reporter asked, "How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?" Edison replied, "I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps."
 
Albert Einstein did not speak until he was 4-years-old and did not read until he was 7. His parents thought he was "sub-normal," and one of his teachers described him as "mentally slow, unsociable, and adrift forever in foolish dreams." He was expelled from school and was refused admittance to the Zurich Polytechnic School. He did eventually learn to speak and read. Even to do a little math.
 
Louis Pasteur was only a mediocre pupil in undergraduate studies and ranked 15th out of 22 students in chemistry.
 
 Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor because "he lacked imagination and had no good ideas." He went bankrupt several times before he built Disneyland. In fact, the proposed park was rejected by the city of Anaheim on the grounds that it would only attract riffraff.
 
After Fred Astaire's first screen test, the memo from the testing director of MGM, dated 1933, read, "Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little."
 
In 1944, Emmeline Snively, director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency, told modeling hopeful Norma Jean Baker, "You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married." I'm sure you know that Norma Jean was Marilyn Monroe.
 
 In 1954, Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, fired Elvis Presley after one performance. He told Presley, "You ain't goin' nowhere, son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck."
 
Beethoven handled the violin awkwardly and preferred playing his own compositions instead of improving his technique. His teacher called him "hopeless as a composer." And, of course, you know that he wrote five of his greatest symphonies while completely deaf.
 
Van Gogh sold only one painting during his life. And this to the sister of one of his friends for 400 francs (approximately $50). This didn't stop him from completing over 800 paintings.
 
 Leo Tolstoy flunked out of college. He was described as both "unable and unwilling to learn."
 
 William Saroyan accumulated more than a thousand rejections before he had his first literary piece published.
(All information taken from: http://www.des.emory.edu/mfp/efficacynotgiveup.html)
 
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson
 
Failure, we salute you.
-M

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Marcel the Shell

I take back what I said about Fruit Salad by the Wiggles. Though it is a creative masterpiece, I doubt it comes anywhere near Marcel the Shell. Words cannot explain the genius that went into this. So, because I can offer no better explanation, here it is:



Oh and, by the way, the voice is completely unedited. A wonderful woman out there named Jenny Slate actually sounds like this. Raw talent, baby.

You know what I do for adventure?
I hand glide on a Dorito...
-M

Friday, September 3, 2010

Soap ROCKS.

You know what? I love soap. Really, sometimes I spend hours online looking at soap.

I go to a different bath store every time I visit a mall to smell the soap that they have. Sometimes I go to the same stores and re-smell the soaps.

When asked what I'd like for Christmas I tell people that I want soap. LOTS of soap.

 I am thinking about purchasing a soap-of-the-month-club subscription.

I have a collection of soaps. Soaps that look like rocks, fuchsia soap, soap with flower petals sealed inside, soap with lavender seeds that poke through, soap with oatmeal sprinkled around the edges, sunflower soap, french-clay soap, rosewood soap, ceder soap, rainbow soap....

I'm obsessed. It's bad, I know, but I just can't help myself. Soap is awesome.

And so, to spread the glory of soap, I give you my favorite soap sites:

http://www.soaptopia.com/
http://www.creamerycreek.com/

Go. Look at the soap. Think about the soapy-smells. Laugh at the clever soap names. Compare yourself to the soap: Am I a lavender? Or a sage-bergamont twist? Appreciate each soap's beauty. REVEL in your soap moment. And then do it all over again.

Because I'm not crazy. Soap is great.
-M

Friday, August 27, 2010

Veganism is the modern totalitarian regime.

Just in case you thought you were, you know, free and everything (did you know that most of the freedom you have exists entirely in that 8 pound super-computer sitting atop your shoulders?) Here's something crazy: you're not; vegans rule over all.

And what's more is that vegans have such a firm grip over the masses that the entire population doesn't even know they're being dictated. This prevents revolt because no one is aware of the fact that we need to be liberated.

How do vegans maintain such a stronghold over the nations, you ask? A little something I (and Bryan Lee O'Malley) like to call vegan power.

How does it work? I challenge you to go for a day without any animal products in your diet. Do you start glowing at night? Are you able to defeat Chuck Norris in a sparring match without breaking a sweat? Do force-fields randomly form around you? Do you suddenly become an elitist (symptoms include scoffing at non-vegans and treating them with pompous indifference)? If yes than you, my friend, are experiencing vegan power. Congratulations! You now control all, supreme being!

However, there is one minor catch: the vegan police. That's right. Three spoonfuls of yogurt and you're finished. And rest assured that they're always watching.....

Yes, indeed, vegans have their own legal enforcement. However, you shouldn't let this fool you because, even with those bothersome restrictions (hey, vegans don't like anarchy either), they're still the all-powerful ones.

So, for all you pitiful non-vegans out there, the next time you happen to meet an actual vegan, make sure to stand in awe; ask them about their raw food diet; perform a random chant or blessing; kneel down and kiss their feet....

 Because, hey, they're just better than us.
-M

Disclaimer: I do not personally discriminate against veganism, or any other restrictive diet. I whole-heartedly support those who freely choose (or are mandated by religion) to eat leaves, berries, nuts and dairy-free Mexican hot chocolate snicker doodles- http://theppk.com/blog/2009/09/16/mexican-hot-chocolate-snickerdoodles/ . However, I do reserve the right to sit across from said persons while eating a quarter pound cheeseburger and possibly stealing a snicker doodle.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Why I feel bad for people who host children's network TV:

Have you ever seen that woman in her mid-thirties that appears between commercials on PBS? How terrible must her every day work experience be?

e.g:
"Where's the pink object? Can you spot something pink?"
Chorus of pre-recorded children shouting: 'There, there! The couch!'
"The rug?"
'No, no, the couch!'
"OH, the couch! Yes, the couch IS pink! Very good!"


How fulfilling can it be to do this all day long? Sitting in front of a green screen talking to invisible puppets and smiling like you've been pumped with Prozac?


It always makes me wonder what career these people wanted to have when they were younger. It must be so depressing to know your greatest accomplishment in life is helping kids find a pink couch.


It's the same way I feel about local news anchors and children's christian music composers (if you've ever been to Vacation Bible School, you'll know exactly what I mean). These people do not get payed enough considering the amount of dignity they sacrifice each day.


And because this is not only sad, but also really entertaining I've included what has to be the greatest masterpiece since the Ferbie:





Enjoy.


"Where's the couch?"
'There! There! It's right behind you!'
-M

P.S. Notice the guy in the photo? Look real close....IT'S STEVE! From Blues Clues? With his notepad and big red chair and mail time song? *Sigh* Those were the good days. Now he's a musician. That's right! You can by Blues Clues Steve's album on i-tunes, just look up Steven Burns (and hope he's included a track of the mail time song).

Friday, July 23, 2010

I like beaded platform sandals and celtic music.

I realized the other day that I have some very strange obsessions. Decades, for instance. I like the forties and the fifties with the tailored dress suits, netted hats and black and white social "propriety" videos they used to brainwash the masses. And the nineties, the nineties were great: thigh-high socks with wedge sandals and belly shirts (think Clueless), the health movement, Bill Clinton? All great. Alright, maybe not Bill Clinton.

But my secret decade obsession? The early 2000's. I love the long hippie skirts, the halter midriff tops, the platform beaded sandals, tie-dye pants and hair jewelry. I embrace that sort of tackiness into my life. I desperately want to save up my money to buy a hair crimper. And that orange glitter lipstick? I have 2 tubes. I put it on with my purple feather boa and rock out to Vitamin C.

So in celebration of unconventional obsessions, I decided to list the top fifteen loony loves-of-my-life.

WHY I'M A FREAK:

1. Magnetic notepads with inspirational quotes that you stick on your refrigerator. "A loving heart is the truest wisdom."
2. Scented candles and soap. A couple of hours in the Yankee Candle store is always a good day.
3. Floral things. And sunflowers. I'll buy anything that has sunflowers on it.
4. Folk, Celtic and Mo-town music. Also, foreign pop; it's the same rubbish, just in different languages.
5. Battlestar Galactica and Dr. Who. Science Fiction in general.
6. Things wrapped in newspaper, wax paper, or brown paper. And twine.
7. The Platypus. An animal with webbed feet, fur, a beavers tail and a beak. Enough said.
8. Grocery stores. If I'm ever lost, I'm going to the nearest grocery store I can find. They make me feel safe and happy.
9. Sponge paint.
10. Solitaire. See post below.
11. Office supplies. Especially pencil sharpeners.
12. Mystery novels. Even the bad ones.
13. Small, decorative boxes. I have 4 soap stone boxes that serve absolutely no purpose.
14. Landscape paintings. Yep, I'm talking Thomas Kinkade. I've completed way too many puzzles with my grandmother.
15. Grammatical errors and typos in books or on the T.V. guide. It's like your birthday every time they happen.

Ahhhh. You see, I feel great now. A little self-indulgent blogging always does a person good!

But don't let this stop with office supplies and sponge paint! Let me know what your strangest obsessions are! Yes, that means you, empty electronic void that I send my thoughts to! YOU.

I fear I've taken this too far.


"Love never fails; Character never quits; and with patience and persistence; Dreams do come true."
More wisdom from my freezer.
 -M